Republicanism Caused By Brain Disorder, Mutation

Scientists have finally identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies. After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican brains for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happens to a brain that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment. The composite sketch (below) is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.

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In a deformed Republican (capitalist) brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) are miniaturized - while other regions become bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe). Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that democracy is the best known form of government, that capitalism creates wealth, that American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, that people all over the world desire liberty and prosperity, that Third World countries should be self-reliant, that moral standards are absolute and objective, that the individual supersedes the collective, that parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, and similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane. Everyone knows that the complete opposite is true. As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public. Karl Marx Treatment Center researchers are optimistic about finding a vaccine that will prevent this degenerative anomaly among children and the marginally afflicted, allowing their brains to be equal in structure, size, and content with those of healthy progressive individuals. A Center spokesperson indicated that the following therapies have proven effective in clinical trials, and will benefit those in need of treatment: A class in Social Studies at Columbia University. Regular intake of unbiased NPR programming (e.g., Fresh Air or News Hour) Exposure to a healthy and nourishing culture, including heavy doses of the Vagina Monologues, or any of the award-winning movies and documentaries (Brokeback Mountain, Transamerica, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, etc.) produced by progressive Hollywood filmmakers. "Tough love" employment practices that will deny patients career advancement and higher-education opportunities while their brains self-heal to a normal progressive state. If the above doesn't work, the researchers recommend that the afflicted receive a free trial subscription to The New York Times. If they renew, they will be considered cured. A composite sketch of a socialist liberal Democrat brain is on the way. Stay tuned.